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It's not fair. Nothing is ever fair. It's always her who has to deal with the fallout of everyone's stupid decisions. Especially Shinji. Always Shinji. He's the one people worry about, he's the one people care for, he's the one who can apparently do no wrong. And her? All she can do is keep failing over and over and over again. She can't beat any of the Angels, it seems; she's had to be saved by Shinji so many times and her sync ratio - her sync ratio isn't getting better anymore. It's getting worse. Everything is getting worse. Did anyone come and cry at her hospital bed after she was injured? No! But Misato spent a month trying to get Shinji out of his Eva (and seemed way too broken up about it).
She can't control any of it. Every last piece of her life is spiraling out of control and even when she tries to force it all back into a familiar, comfortable pattern, it all just seems to backfire. She's in the bathroom now, staring at the tub, body feeling tense and coiled, a feeling of sullen anger and despair growing in her gut. This isn't fair. Why does she have to share this stupid, cramped apartment with these people she hates? Despite the moisture and steam in the air and her recent bath, she feels unclean. Like there are bugs crawling over her skin.
"Why do I have to share a bathub with them?"
She's speaking aloud, voice muted as she tries to force all of it out. To find a target.
"We even have to share a washing machine! And a toilet!"
It all hurts. The idea of having to share her space is becoming an overwhelming facet in her mind. She hates being near them. She hates having to see them every day. She hates everything about this apartment, about Japan, about Misato and Shinji and-
"I hate Misato. I hate Shinji!"
Her voice starts to rise and a part of her knows that Misato can hear her through the thin door and walls of the apartment, but she also doesn't care anymore. Somehting inside of her is finally cracking and breaking under the straing.
It isn't fair.
She can't control any of it. Every last piece of her life is spiraling out of control and even when she tries to force it all back into a familiar, comfortable pattern, it all just seems to backfire. She's in the bathroom now, staring at the tub, body feeling tense and coiled, a feeling of sullen anger and despair growing in her gut. This isn't fair. Why does she have to share this stupid, cramped apartment with these people she hates? Despite the moisture and steam in the air and her recent bath, she feels unclean. Like there are bugs crawling over her skin.
"Why do I have to share a bathub with them?"
She's speaking aloud, voice muted as she tries to force all of it out. To find a target.
"We even have to share a washing machine! And a toilet!"
It all hurts. The idea of having to share her space is becoming an overwhelming facet in her mind. She hates being near them. She hates having to see them every day. She hates everything about this apartment, about Japan, about Misato and Shinji and-
"I hate Misato. I hate Shinji!"
Her voice starts to rise and a part of her knows that Misato can hear her through the thin door and walls of the apartment, but she also doesn't care anymore. Somehting inside of her is finally cracking and breaking under the straing.
"I especially hate Rei! And papa! And mama!"
It all hurts, it's all tumbling out. And she finally vocalizes something she's known for the past ten years of life.
"But most of all - most of all, I hate myself! Why do I have to go through this? Why me? Why?"
The bucket goes flying and it clatters against the wall as her voice trails off into a wail and she sinks back against the wall of the bathroom, face buried against her knees as she tries for force back angry, heated tears, shoulders shuddering with each intake of breath. It is all her fault, isn't it?
It isn't fair.
