What she has learned is-- what she is still learning is that vulnerability isn't weakness. Knowledge of suffering makes you all the more capable of kindness to others. Because that's different from being weak. Only knowing isn't enough, that is only the first step of many, and now she realizes after having taken that first one step that the journey may be far longer and harder than she expected, because see, it's the more familiar demons that are the most frightening.
It's hard not to wince when Asuka declares I hate you, a well-deserved sentiment made no easier to hear in person. But the rest of the words that follow could have come from her very own lips. Some days she loses all hope for herself. She is pathetic, too. She's afraid of abandonment so she leaves before the other person could, and yet, she doesn't want to be alone anymore. And the truth is, sometimes she wonders if it may be better for everyone, and herself, if she isn't here. Is it alright to be here? Is it alright for her to stay even if she hasn't figured out why and may never do?
The girl's tirade follows a long silence, long and quiet enough for the sound of Shinji replaying his tape to be heard inbetween.
Her first instinct is to provoke her out of her death instinct, needle her about how pathetic it would be to die. Didn't she say she wants to win? What kind of victory is death? That's just the cowardly way out, you're not a coward now, are you, Asuka? And she knows, that it would work. She has read the files. She knows enough about how people fit together and how they work, but she also knows the striving would destroy her.
"Me too," with a voice barely above a whisper, because the admission is beyond shameful, only shame dies when exposed to sunlight or so she hopes. "Well, I don't really wish I'm dead, I can't afford to, and not for any good reason."
Misato isn't even sure what she's really saying and she regrets each word that tumbles out of her lips, but pushes on with the reckless abandon of one who has nothing left to lose, because there really is nothing left for her to lose.
"I guess, what I'm saying is--" She breaks her fumbling with a sigh. "I haven't been what you need me to be, a mother, or something like that. I've failed. So hate me, god knows I deserve it, but you know, you're not to blame for how others treat you. You don't have to try so hard cause they're not even watching close enough. We're all just caught up in our own miserable bubbles really. All the same."
no subject
It's hard not to wince when Asuka declares I hate you, a well-deserved sentiment made no easier to hear in person. But the rest of the words that follow could have come from her very own lips. Some days she loses all hope for herself. She is pathetic, too. She's afraid of abandonment so she leaves before the other person could, and yet, she doesn't want to be alone anymore. And the truth is, sometimes she wonders if it may be better for everyone, and herself, if she isn't here. Is it alright to be here? Is it alright for her to stay even if she hasn't figured out why and may never do?
The girl's tirade follows a long silence, long and quiet enough for the sound of Shinji replaying his tape to be heard inbetween.
Her first instinct is to provoke her out of her death instinct, needle her about how pathetic it would be to die. Didn't she say she wants to win? What kind of victory is death? That's just the cowardly way out, you're not a coward now, are you, Asuka? And she knows, that it would work. She has read the files. She knows enough about how people fit together and how they work, but she also knows the striving would destroy her.
"Me too," with a voice barely above a whisper, because the admission is beyond shameful, only shame dies when exposed to sunlight or so she hopes. "Well, I don't really wish I'm dead, I can't afford to, and not for any good reason."
Misato isn't even sure what she's really saying and she regrets each word that tumbles out of her lips, but pushes on with the reckless abandon of one who has nothing left to lose, because there really is nothing left for her to lose.
"I guess, what I'm saying is--" She breaks her fumbling with a sigh. "I haven't been what you need me to be, a mother, or something like that. I've failed. So hate me, god knows I deserve it, but you know, you're not to blame for how others treat you. You don't have to try so hard cause they're not even watching close enough. We're all just caught up in our own miserable bubbles really. All the same."